Commando...Oh yes, I Did...

So, I have mentioned that I have gotten unnecessarily fat as of late. I am wearing the largest pants I own and straight up do not want to have to buy bigger ones, so I've been running more and watching what I eat more closely.

It's not working.

Apparently, as you get older it takes more than just a little bit of effort to burn off those unsightly bulges. Three years ago I could've dropped five pounds in two weeks with no problem. Now, I can't even drop a pound a week. In fact, I gained five since I started monitoring my calories like a crazed woman.

I'm a little frustrated.

Anyway, I was wearing my absolute fattest pair of pants the other day. I made a trip to the ladies room and noticed that the dang things looked like they were spray painted on my backside. Complete with wrinkles from where my underoos had bunched up while I was trying to stuff the enormity of my backside into the pants. I've seen topographical 3-D maps that look smoother than my rump did that day.

I was embarrassed.

Then, I remembered that I would be working on some information for a financial statement audit in the afternoon. At the client's office. One block away from Bennett's. So, I did the unthinkable. I went back to the ladies room and took my underwear off. That's right. I was busting around town commando. I figured I could make it until I had an excuse to walk to Bennett's and buy a larger size. Just typing those words makes me cringe. Larger size. Ewww.

So there I was...in downtown Athens walking around with no underwear on. I felt completely naked. I was about to step into the dressing room when I remembered...I'm not wearing underwear!!! I couldn't try on the tent pants!! I gingerly walked to the counter and paid for the pants thinking...I'll take them back if they don't fit. Imagine the look on my face when I tried the pants on later...with my underwear safely in its right place...pants two sizes bigger than anything else in my closet...and they were too small.

I was so upset.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I did this to myself. No one in town knew that I was running around sans pantie. No one knew that I was buying pants two sizes larger than anything else I owned. No one saw me try to pull the pants on only to realize they were not coming up past mid thigh. Why was I so embarrassed and upset? I am the only one who knew (until I blogged about it) that I have gained five pounds in the last week.

I live my life trying to meet the impossible standards that I have set for myself. Do you? Do you catch yourself trying to maintain an image of "the perfect family" or "the perfect employee"? Do you know people whose lives seem so easy and carefree? Do you catch yourself starting sentences and questions with...If only I looked...If only we had...If only I were...?

I do it all the time.