Things I Learned from Motherhood...

-Be prepared to receive advice graciously. Everyone is going to tell you what to do with your baby...Until your baby is grown. Sometimes, other ladies will give you advice that makes your life easier. Sometimes, you will want to shove your baby's pacifier in a lady's mouth, so she will shut up. Just know that we are all in this scary boat of motherhood together

-If you walk long enough, a cranky baby will go to sleep on your shoulder, but if you sit down, the baby will wake up. Believe me, I walked what seemed like 8,000 miles in our den at all hours of the night and early morning with a fussy child in my arms.

-I was in far better shape when the children were little bitty because of the 8,000 miles walked in the den.

-Walk naked around your house before you have children. Often. Wear short skirts. Wear low cut sweaters. Go to the grocery store in little more than an eye patch. You will miss your body after birthing children starts to chip away the last shred of dignity and self esteem you had. So hit up that nude beach before you start birthin' them babies.

-There is such a thing as too much fun. Over-stimulation can result in tears and meltdowns a plenty. I never in my life thought I would have to limit the stimuli. 

-I am not in control of anything. I embrace the fact that there are three masses of my DNA that control my life. I have grown adept at making them think that I am the adult and the boss when really my whole existence revolves around them. Shhhhh. Do NOT tell my children!! Or my husband!!

-It is hard to be a role model. Like, really hard. As in, I would not wish this feeling of inadequacy on my worst frenemy. I wake up everyday hoping that my children will not notice who their mother really is. I want them to want me and love me, and I am terrified that they won't once they see me as the flawed human being that I am instead of a super-hero who can kill monsters in the closet and kiss boo boos and make everything better with a glass of milk.

-Never, ever, under any circumstance leave home without a change of clothing for yourself and your children. There should always be an emergency set of panties in the back of your car. No, you do not want to know how I learned this lesson the hard way. In my car, we call it the apocalypse bag. I'm not really sure how we came up with that name, but in the event of a melt down at the local nuclear power plant, we can haul some serious tail out of town and still have fresh undies.

-Speaking of disasters. Am I the only person who reads the informational calendar with detailed instructions for what to do in case there is a melt down? I am probably one of the few who reads the instructions every year. I know my route out of town and that I will need to tie a white cloth on the front door of my house after all the occupants are out. Did I know any of this before I had children? Hell to the no. Now, I know every evacuation route by heart. Having children will put "what if" fear in your heart in a major way.

-No one else is going to think it's cute when your child full body tackles the dog mannequin at Old Navy. In fact, you might have to explain to a police officer exactly why it shouldn't be considered destruction of property. Again, you do not want to know why I know this.

-Cardio. It's the first rule of Zombieland. It should also be the first rule of motherhood. Cardio.

-Loose teeth make me want to gag. Blood and guts? I'm okay with that. Loose teeth? I will dry heave every time. J is the sole adult who deals with teeth at my house. I deal with all the cuts and bruises and things of that nature. 

-Anything and everything I thought I knew about life before I had children...I didn't.