I Should Sooooo....

What do you think the codependents would do if I were to institute this?

The truth is that I have to keep all laptops, tablets, ipods, etc away from the codependents until their homework is finished. Otherwise, not one thing would get completed. "Can I play the Wii?," they ask. Each and every time I reply with something along the lines of...Is your homework finished?...or...Is your room clean?...or...Did you hang up your things?...There is always a catch. You'd think I was trying to amputate a limb with a rusty butter knife the way they wail after hearing the word no. 

How about all of you? Are you met with these same issues? Or do you have children that love to take care of responsibilities before playing with their electronic devices?

Blast from the Past...

***This is one of my favorite posts from last year because it is so randomly...me...

Call Me Vonnegut...Not da Vinci...Random Style...

**Disclaimer: It's entirely possible that I didn't think this post through before hitting publish. I'm not sure why I wanted to do a Kurt Vonnegut inspired post of Random Thoughts and Observations. Consider yourself warned.


-Mama Kaye has a broken hip. In my mind's eye, a broken hip looks like this:

Or this:

I have no doubt that neither one of these is what a broken hip looks like, but it helps me to sort of simply visualize what is going on and where the screws and rod must be. I break everything down into black and white cartoons. Including tax returns. 

-Tax returns look more like this:

-I used to watch the Today show religiously every morning. I haven't tuned in as much since my beloved Ann Curry got the ax. I would let Ann Curry read the dictionary to me. Savannah Guthrie? Not so much. She has upside down mouth. She makes me sad because she looks like she's frowning in between every smile and question. I'm sure she's a lovely person; she's just not Ann Curry. Upside down mouth looks like this:

That wasn't very nice. Let's just go ahead and point out that Ann Curry has right side up mouth. 

See the difference?

-Butter should be a food group. 

-When I draw a stick of butter on a plate, it looks remarkably like a steam boat. That was supposed to be a slice of butter being cut away from the stick...instead it can be my smokestack.

-Peanuts are good too. 

I could eat peanuts all day long. That would be a bad idea. It would be tasty though. 

-I really, really wish I were a gifted writer. 

I always wanted to write when I was little, but unfortunately for me, writing just isn't my gift. Most of what I do write belongs here:

-I see cars with stick families on the back windshield. I have drafted one of my family. 

Can you tell which one is me?

-I'd like to close today's blog post with my own rendition of my favorite illustration in Breakfast of Champions. 

Assuming you have read the book, you know that's the end...so to speak. Stop by next week. I'll be doing my best Richard Pryor on Monday. That's a lie. Or maybe it isn't...

Down Some...

Hey gang!! Just reporting that I am down another 2 pounds!!! Yeah!!! I don't know about you all, but it is so hard to avoid pigging out on yummy food. I would love to chow down on cheeseburgers and fries every day for lunch. I'd love to have bacon and cheese loaded potatoes for dinner. BUT. Most of all I would like to be able to zip all the pants in my closet. Haahahahaha!!

And They Wonder Why I Drink...

Every day in the life of the Enabler is full of funny stories and moments that make me think, "Seriously?" Between work and home, I hear it all. Like, for realz. Don't you love the way I use poor grammar and spelling to make a point? I blatantly commit grammar crimes for affect; however, if I catch you saying, "I bought it for him and I," I will stop you mid sentence to ask if you know the difference between objective case and nominative case. I am that strange. Here are a few of the things that I have heard or thought in the last few weeks...



--Layton loves to call the ladies, "baby." As in...

What's going on, baby?

What is for dinner, baby?

Want to play Wii, baby?

It's not like he's trying to be a sexual harasser in training or anything. He just loves to call all women "baby"...including me, Hadley, Ella....anyone can be a "baby." Before you say anything, yes, yes, I have tried to convince him not to call the ladies "baby." He's just a baby kinda guy. It's sort of Sinatra-Esque....especially with his curls and dimples. The point, dear digital friends, is that if you encounter my son and he calls you baby, take no offense. Blog about it and send the link to me. Ha!


--Do you ever check the FAIL blog? It is some of the funniest material! The names are almost always blurred or blocked out. You must check it. You can thank me tomorrow. Here's a sample...

I chose to provide you with samples that both mentioned pot. No, I'm not a pot head. I wouldn't be even if it were legal. BUT. Highlarious.

--As we were cruising through our local Publix, Ella and Layton began discussing baths. Let me rephrase. They began discussing not taking baths. Layton proclaimed that he was, "going to take his weekly bath" that night. Ella being the perfect partner in crime egged him on and started suggesting that her armpits were smelly from not bathing for so long. People, my children do bathe. Promise.


--Soooo, the kids are watching a supposedly safe TV channel. Layton asks, "What does, 'Oh, Hell No' mean?" Aren't there any family channels that are free of this kind of stuff? My little afro-boy will repeat anything and everything he hears.


--Ella has written "strongly worded letters" to everyone who has sneezed in front of her in the last two weeks. What 9 year old says things like "strongly worded letters?" My child. What 9 year old writes letters explaining how to cover one's mouth when coughing and sneezing complete with sarcasm? My child.


--An email was sent out regarding the dress code at work. It was a friendly reminder that we all need to look a little more professional this time of year. I, of course, immediately began trying to remember everything I had worn in the week leading up to the email. I can only assume that something I attempted to wear spurred the email. I look 50 Shades of Hobo on a regular basis.  My response to the email regarding the dress code?

That's correct. I put on a bracelet and actually wore my wedding and engagement rings for a change. I'm hoping this will be enough to convince my coworkers that I am not actually a hobo sneaking into the office. Someone once said that it's, "all about the accessories." That someone looks adorbs everyday of the week. That someone was definitely not me, but I was listening.


--Sometimes I get an email or text message and really, really, really want to hit reply and type, "Find someone else to bother."


--Layton's hair. The hair band gods are probably pleased with what is going on North of Layton's shoulders. At any moment he could start singing a Whitesnake song, and it wouldn't seem odd. I told him he had to get a haircut. He replied, "but it drives the ladies crazy." Maybe he is a sexual harasser in training.


--Any questions?

Rocket Science, Brain Surgery, and Me..

Some things are harder to do than controlling nuclear fusion.

...Like taking care of the dirty dishes every day.

...Or managing the ridiculous amounts of dirty laundry.

...Or sweeping food crumbs off the floor.

...Or throwing away Capri Sun straw wrappers. (Am I the only one who finds this stuck all over the place?)

...Or putting away clean socks.

...Or packing lunches for school.

Some things are so difficult to master that only one family member can handle the daunting tasks. Bwhahaha.



I'm sorry for the lack of posts lately. I'm off my game. Also, we've been swamped. Let's see. Layton had mono. Seriously. Then the poor fellow had the flu. Then Ella had the flu. And did I mention it's tax season? My mother-in-law had a hospital stay. All in the last few weeks....so I've been a little stressed and busy. I promise to get some of my draft posts completed and published sooner than later. :)

Chantelle...

Guys, cancer is an equal opportunity evil. It does not discriminate based on race, age, marital status, sexual orientation, etc. We have all been touched in some way by cancer and the toll it takes. I think about the people I have known and loved who have battled the beast. My own father lost the battle, and losing him was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I can say though that our family was lucky in a lot of ways. Insurance covered a good portion of the costs, and a dear, family friend, Carol, opened her home to my parents. Mom and Ed stayed with Carol often during his treatment, and that was a blessing because they didn't have to spend money on hotels. Having cancer is expensive. Not everyone has a family friend who happens to live down the road from a world class hospital.

Chantelle. She and I do not know each other. I heard about her story from a friend on Twitter. Amber (my digital friend) is close to Chantelle and has started fundraising to help with the costs. You see, Chantelle lives in Canada, and the type of chemotherapy and treatment she needs isn't available there. She and her husband have come to Texas to get the Cadillac of treatment for Inflammatory Breast Cancer. The catch is that they will have to cover the costs out of pocket.

Please consider helping this mother of three beautiful children. Even a dollar will help. I cannot imagine how much strength it will take for Chantelle and Blair to overcome this, but we can all assist them in this journey.

A Shrimp Tale...

I'll start the tale. You fill in the blanks in the comment section.

Once upon a time there was a girl so cray cray that she....

Sent From My Droid

Post from the Past...

***Originally published in 2012 and cracks me up when I look back at it because sooooo much more has happened since I first thought of doing this post. Ha!

Things That Should Alarm Me...

Recently, my mother-in-law and I were discussing things. I like to think of them as Things That Should Alarm  Me But Don't.

Like...

-Finding a pocket knife in a sofa cushion. As in...fully open and exorcising the cushion of any demons within.

-When J walks through the den with an odd looking object and tells me we're going to blow it up this weekend.

-Home made blow torches.

-Discovering that I am not only packing heat but packing heat complete with silver bullets.

-Reaching into the freezer expecting to pull out a package of deer meat but pulling out a ziploc bag of squirrel brains instead.

-When asked what our plans for the weekend are, the hubs says we're taking up making mead.

You know. Things that would have alarmed me years and years ago but now seem ordinary.

-Seeing J and Jeffrey on the tractor. Together. Headed toward the barn. Hmmm. This should probably alarm me (good lord only knows what kind of adventure these two could start in that barn), but after all these years, I'm no longer shocked by anything either of them decides to do.


 

Interestingly enough, they weren't even up to anything this day. You can never be too sure with them though.



Fellers: I am expecting a centerpiece that will melt faces this weekend. It will be cool enough for a fire in the evening.

Another Week....Another Pound...

So, I got on the scales this morning, and I am down another pound. I suspect that it could actually be two pounds, but I ate kind of salty yesterday and feel a little bloaty as a result. Ha! Maybe I should start weighing in on Wednesday when I've had a day or two to recover from my Saturday/Sunday splurge day. Everyone needs one day of the week to eat cake or have a glass of wine. :) Anyways....my update is short this week. I've been super busy at work and haven't had much time for blogging except for on the weekends...and then I just want to catch up on laundry and rest! :)

Again?...

***Originally posted in 2011...

Random BlackBerry Awesome Sauce...

While flipping through the pictures on my phone, I thought there were a couple worth bringing up.

First, Layton and his "I'm so ghetto" pose.

Give it up little boy. Everyone knows you are just a cutie pie. No one with a blond Afro has any street cred. Word.

Second, Michael Jackson impersonators are the best. No seriously, the best. This particular one has a stage tied to the roof of his car. He-He, Whoo! I just grabbed my crotch a little.

Third, the scary, panel van with an A/C unit in the back window. C'mon Man. Could you be any more of a creeper? I've got ice cream. And lollipops. And I lost my dog.

Any time I see a creeper van, I can't help but wonder...and then I make sure my pistol is loaded.

Smoke on the Water...

I love, love, love being able to do this....

 

Cold weather and a hot tub. Ahhh. Relaxation city. 

Just Roll with It...

This is the face of a little girl who absolutely loves me. This is also the face of a little girl who knows exactly how to get what she wants. My buttons? Pushed. My temper? Pushed. My heart? Pushed. She knows how to manipulate me. But. Just look at this face. How could you not want to cave and give her everything she wants?

. 

Oh, that's right. This. This might remind you that she does not tolerate ambivalence. Do you ever read Suri's Burn Book? Ella is a lot (in real life) like the fictionalized Suri.



And this.

And this.

And this.

And this. 

 

Just look at that face. How could you not cave in and give her whatever she wants? 

Awkward...Take 2...

***A completely inappropriate post that still makes me laugh...originally published in 2011...

Awkward Family Photos...

Do you ever go to Awkward Family Photos? I check that site out from time to time and just about lose it I laugh so hard. At the Tennessee Valley Old Time Fiddler's Convention, I was snapping pictures of my adorable kids when I realized that I had an awkward family photo on my hands. Layton being adorable in the bleachers.....

...with a thong shot. What do you think? Should I submit it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

The Past Haunts Me...and Makes Me Laugh...

There are a lot of sayings about the past. You know what I mean. It never stays buried. Don't dwell on the past. If you forget the past, your doomed to repeat it. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Not all that horribly long ago, my children stumbled upon some things from my past in a closet. No, the past did not stay in the closet. It was dragged out....and made a scene....and proved that I am a hoarder in need of intense, professional help.

 

Ella was seriously digging my majorette jacket. Why do I still have this???? Why?? People, this is not okay. This is an example of hoarding gone awry. I didn't even know I still had this thing! When you hoard the point of not knowing what you are hoarding...it's bad.

 

And why, oh why, would I still have my cap and gown????

 

And more importantly, why would I have my brother's cap and gown??? Layton thought it was great though. He didn't want to put mine on because, "it's a girl outfit." I didn't bother explaining the word unisex.

 

If you happen to be a psychiatrist, please give me a call. I clearly need to be medicated. 

Once in a While...

It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while Hadley finds herself in front of my lens. I see her every day. I pack her lunch and wash her clothes. I drive her anywhere she needs to go. I see her daily. And still, I am always shocked when I see pictures of her because she is starting to look so grown up. Gone is the look of  little girl.

 

It is truly amazing how quickly six pounds of blond baby turned into this smiling, laughing young lady.

 

She is confident yet quiet and so artistic. I am so proud of her for all that she is. I cannot wait to see what is next for her.

Rehash...

***This is one of my favorite posts originally published in 2011...

When You're a Super Hero...

Being a super hero is tough work. There's the whole hassle of having to conceal your true identity. Then, there's having to sneak off and save fair maidens from certain doom.

And of course, you have to deal with the paparazzi your mother constantly photographing your every move.

Yes, being a super hero is a lot of work. 

Update...

In the Blogger Biggest Loser Contest, I have made some progress. Not a lot. But some. I am down 3 pounds as of this morning. I am continuing to increase my vegetable intake and decrease my junk food intake. :) More salads. Less chips. 

This first week was a tough one. Layton has been sick with mono and the flu, so it was difficult to not binge on french fries with him. It was the only thing he wanted to eat, so I went by drive-ins and purchased salty, greasy, yumminess for him. I really wanted to dive in and eat fries with him, but I resisted. 

Hopefully, I will be down a few more pounds when I update next week. I'm working on some "before" pictures, but it's really HARD! I'm not photogenic at all and haven't had a picture that even remotely looked Internet worthy. I'll keep trying though. :)

I Lied Again...

***Originally published last year...

Which One Was a Lie?...

**Disclaimer: You might never read my blog again after seeing which ridiculous statement was a lie. :)

-I love cream of wheat.  True. I could eat my weight in it.

-I have eight piercings in my ears.  True. I rarely wear more than the two main piercings though.

-I once asked Dave Chappelle for directions to a CVS.  True. Totally happened by accident; I didn't even recognize him until after I had asked because honestly, who expects to run into Dave Chappelle on a random day of the week?

-I can drive a manual transmission.  True. I rarely drive J's jeep though.

-My license was suspended due to an excessive number of speeding tickets.  True. You don't want to know. Let's just say that traveling between college and home was rough on my driving record.

-I have no sinus cavities anywhere other than two underdeveloped ones under my eyes.  True. Every time I have ever had an x-ray of my head, the doctor has commented on it. 

-I broke a bone sleep walking.  True. When I had the x-ray and confirmed the chipped bone, the nurse asked if I felt safe at home. I also talk in my sleep. Like full on conversations with J of which I have no memory.

-I regret having a wedding.  True. Neither of us wanted a wedding. We just wanted to drop by the courthouse and get it done. My dad and J's Mom were the driving force behind the wedding. Small and family only.

-I wash my hair at least twice a day.  True. There is no excuse for this. I am compulsive about it. 

-I have to self medicate before boarding an airplane.  True. I have been known to have a glass of wine before a 9:00 AM flight. I just don't like to fly.

-I have never been arrested.  True. What can I say? I have a deep fear of breaking the law.

-I do not have a key to my house.  True. I keep losing them. I just use my garage door opener.

-I was featured in a book in 1995.  True. You could probably coax me into showing you a copy of the book. With a fork lift. Or threat of bodily harm. Otherwise, this will never see the light of day.

-I can touch my nose with my tongue.  True. Gene Simmons has competition.

-I have moved a total of nine times.  True. Between moving to college, moves during college, moving home, moving to homes, I have racked up nine moves. I hate moving.

-I have never lost a game of twister.  True. You do not want to take me on in a game of twister. I am freakishly flexible. 

-I have been a bridesmaid twice.  True. My cousin's wedding and my sister's wedding. 

-I make homemade crackers.  Lie. I buy. I would love to learn to make crackers though. It would come in handy to make for Layton in a gluten free flavor.

-I sleep in socks.  True. I don't like being barefoot. I prefer shoes or socks at all times.

-I have been to Graceland three times.  True. I was young when I made my first pilgrimage. I had to go back after Elvis's aunt died and additional sections of the home were opened for tour. I would go again tomorrow. I love some Elvis. Shag carpet and all.

-I have never played Monopoly.  True. I am not American, clearly.

-I love turnips.  True. I love them raw especially. I'll slice one, salt it, and chow down. They are even better to me when roasted with a little olive oil.

I Lied...

***Originally published last year...the answer post is next...I would have loved to have called these posts "The Best of the Enabler"....but seriously...if this is as good as the Enabler gets...HAHAHAHA!

Let's Play...And Tell a Lie...

Have you ever goofed around and played One Lie Two Truths? A few of the tweethearts and I used to play it on occasion via twitter. Today, I have decided to make a list...a list of truths and one lie. You get to guess which one is the lie.

-I love cream of wheat.

-I have eight piercings in my ears.

-I once asked Dave Chappelle for directions to a CVS.

-I can drive a manual transmission.

-My license was suspended due to an excessive number of speeding tickets.

-I have no sinus cavities anywhere other than two underdeveloped ones under my eyes.

-I broke a bone sleep walking.

-I regret having a wedding.

-I wash my hair at least twice a day.

-I have to self medicate before boarding an airplane.

-I have never been arrested.

-I do not have a key to my house.

-I was featured in a book in 1995.

-I can touch my nose with my tongue.

-I have moved a total of nine times.

-I have never lost a game of twister.

-I have been a bridesmaid twice.

-I make homemade crackers.

-I sleep in socks.

-I have been to Graceland three times.

-I have never played Monopoly.

-I love turnips.


Take a shot. Which one is the lie?

Post from the Past...

***Originally published last year...this is probably one of my favorite posts ever simply because it gives you a glimpse into the kinds of cockamamie ideas swirling around in my head...

I'm at a Pay Phone...

Disclaimer: Today's post is brought to you by Maroon 5 and my twisted sense of normalcy.

These Maroon 5 people keep coming on the radio singing this song about payphones. Fine and dandy. We all sing along. And then?

One of my children asks me what a payphone is. I don't know why, but in the last 13 years of parenting, it never occurred to me to explain the concept of a payphone. Mostly it's because I've had a cell phone for the last 10 years. Who needs a payphone when nationwide calling and unlimited texting are available for a monthly fee? So, I tell them to ask their dad. Classic bad parenting maneuver. Anyhow, at some point the codependents understood that a payphone is this magic box where you put in a quarter and can call someone.

And in classic A-Ro fashion...I decided to take them to see a real payphone. This was a bad idea. I drove past every bit of 93 gas stations and strip malls in town. There are hardly any payphones in our town. Actually, I have yet to find a single payphone in Athens. It was a Payphone Scavenger Hunt A-Ro Style. All the ones I knew about are gone.  I got on the Payphone Directory, and sure enough, payphones are in short supply here. We did find one in the next county over though. I forced the hubs to pull over when I spotted the blue booth. Keep in mind we were doing 65 on the highway when I started yelling, "PAYPHONE, PAYPHONE." That was a very pleasant turn. Smoke might have come off the back two wheels of the Volv-Ro.

We only had the two littles with us at the time. I actually made them get out and let me photograph them at a payphone. Hello? It's a payphone, people. My children didn't even know such a thing existed until Maroon 5 started crooning about it. Makes me wonder what other things I'm forgetting to teach them. I'm counting on Britney Spears releasing a song that will be a follow up to the educational juggernaut of Payphone.

Seriously, it's 2012, and my children had no clue what a payphone is!!! Do yours? Have they ever seen one? I'm guessing that those of you who live in large areas have payphones on the street corners still. It's been weeks since this ridiculous quest began, and I have yet to drive past a payphone in my hometown. I'm trying to work up the cajones to drive past Wal-Mart later. I feel certain that if I'm going to find one, it will be at skank heaven. There isn't one listed at my local Wally World on the directory, but I figure it might be worth a try.

 

Ella was not impressed. Is she ever?

Um, this thing was nasty. There is not enough bleach to undo what is going on here. We're talking CDC level shiz.

 

I gave them some change, so that they could call my cell phone...With the earpiece held at a safe 4 inches from their ears.

 

And the confound thing didn't even work! Also, it's a whole stinking dollar to call my cell phone from one county over! What the What?

 

Maroon 5 can use the payphone all they want. I will stick with my Droid. And don't go thinking this is the last you will hear of my payphone scavenger hunt. I have more pictures. And some flat out stupid stories. Like I said, this hunt has been going on for weeks.