Put Gravy on It...

Have you ever googled Alabama? Momentary pause. We are using google as several different parts of speech these days, right? Well, I am, so get on board with that. If I were to google Alabama, I imagine that the results would include the state's official page, things about football, the Birmingham bombing, George Wallace and his Schoolhouse stand, the obesity rate, the literacy rate, and the band Alabama. 

When I think about my home state, those are just some of the things that come to my mind. I also think about the way honey suckle smells on a June day, drivers pulling over to let a funeral procession pass, the sound of crickets at sunset, the feel of watermelon juice running down my arm in the July heat, the white sand on the Gulf of Mexico, wild flowers, lightning bugs, rocket science, and the time I had to repeat my order for a cheeseburger when I found myself North of the Mason-Dixon Line. It was my accent that caused the fuss. My server wanted everyone in the restaurant to hear me order in my thick twang. Really though, I think she was surprised that I could read the menu being from Alabama and all. Do you live in Alabama? If not, you probably have a preconceived notion about what it is like here. 

Yes, there are still dirt roads in the rural areas. We took a trip down this road last weekend. It takes almost an hour to get to this dirt road from our house. Even though the road is not paved, the residents of this community have electricity and indoor plumbing. Is this what you picture in your mind's eye for the state of Alabama? This is not what the majority of Alabama roadways look like. This is the minority.

I have heard a couple of tales recently that I have to repeat. 

The Alabamian who moved to Chicago: At his first dental appointment in the Windy City, he was asked if he had fluoridated water growing up or if he only drank well water. Even better, he had a coworker who stated he had never been to Alabama because - the Klan.

FYI: City and County water is indeed fluoridated, and some people are lucky enough to have a well in addition to that fancy, municipal aitch two O. Did you like that? Was it Alabama-y enough? And. The last time I saw a Klan gathering, they were protesting illegal immigration and didn't even wear bed sheets over their heads.

The Alabamian who visited the East Coast: The other patrons in the restaurant thought that the rednecks in Alabama still had public hangings. 

Hold up. Seriously? People think that there are public hangings in Alabama in 2014? It has been nearly 90 years since the last execution by hanging. 

Bless their hearts. :)

What Kind of Person?...

-I haven't blogged in a while. The truth is that I have grown tired of being mocked for having a blog. Having to hear so many people tell me how pathetic it is to have a blog has made me weary. For every one person who says they love to read my blog, six more tell me it is ridiculous. What's the point? That's what I keep asking myself when I think about how long it has been since I published a post. 

How many pictures of Layton behaving horribly can I really post?

How many silly anecdotes and embarrassing facts about myself can I really post?

-It's getting close to that time of year. The moment when it gets warm enough that all the skinny, beautiful people start taking their clothes off and getting tan. The time of year when I sweat profusely all the time because I have to dress for Winter year round due to my flab, jiggles, and excessively large backside. Some things cannot be fixed with diet and exercise; I am not about to carve out time for plastic surgery. Sweating is the way to go. All you sexy people should know - I am sure you are lovely individuals, but I still hate you for being able to go sleeveless and in shorts. Much love, The Fatty in the Turtleneck

-Ella Channing and Layton have begun an excavation at the farm and suckered their cousins into it as well. I have no idea what they think they will find, but they are determined to dig until something good pops up.

So far, they have just found rocks and petrified dung. You have no idea how badly I wish that last little bit weren't true. One thought it was funny...the other was in grossed out mode...

What's the point in blogging about the horrible things I do to my children?

-MMMBop came on '90s on 9. I cranked the volume up a good bit. I am not sure what bothered Hadley more - the fact that I turned the volume up or the fact that I knew all the words. Puh-lease, I didn't figure out how to communicate with other people until I was almost 30. Learning the MMMBop lyrics was all I had to do on Friday nights in the '90s. Did you see the pleated pants I had on in that one post? Yeah, no one wanted to be my friend.

I have grown tired. I might never publish another post ever.

Doubting Conscious...

-All around me are things that I don't expect to see. Old cow bones covered in moss and resting in the leaves were not on the list of things I thought I would happen upon recently. 

It was an interesting enough thing to find. It made me wonder about the cow. What happened to it? If I knew more about skeletons, I would have studied the pelvis to determine whether or not it was female. 

-I don't often expect to walk through water, but I am prepared for it when I do. 

-I certainly did not expect to post a humiliating picture of myself. This is a picture of me with my childhood idol. She has the most fabulous red hair and is always stylish. Even when we were in Mexico building houses, she had scarves and lipstick and jewelry. Sweet Virginia broke her hip in December and has had a long recovery. Ella found this picture of me with Virginia when we went to visit one night. Ella was seriously obsessed and needed a picture with the picture. Something inside me died the moment I uploaded those pleated pants and frizzy hair to the Interwebs. Come on now; it was 20 years ago...before anyone told me about hair products.

-Yes, all around me are things that I do not expect to see. That's what I mutter aloud regularly. For some reason, I don't expect these things. That leaves me with...What exactly am I expecting to see and do, then? That's the question I am attempting to answer. If I didn't expect to see cow bones, what was I expecting to see? If I didn't expect to wade through a creek, why did I have rubber boots? If I didn't expect Ella to fall head over heels in love with a terrible picture of me, what did I think her reaction to that picture would be? 

-I am super duper behind on posts these days. I have been busy with work and catching up from busy season. My "To Be Dealt With Later" pile is slightly smaller. My draft section of posts is slightly larger. I have started several things and uploaded some pictures, but I haven't gotten around to the meat of the story yet. That is something I do expect - to be continuously behind due to the hectic schedule I keep. Hey, at least we all have clean underwear this week. 

Turn Down Service...

I am fighting a major case of burn out. Major, I say. I am not sure what it will take for me to get over the burn, but I need to figure it out soon. I haven't wanted to be at work all week, and when I am at work, I feel like jumping out the window. I'm on the second floor, so jumping is probably not advisable. I think I just need to take some more time off soon. Because I have checked out mentally, there isn't much substance to what you are about to read. Don't say I didn't warn you.

-We dyed Easter eggs. Scratch that. Ella dyed Easter eggs. Layton and Hadley pretended to help. The eggs weren't super pretty, but Ella was pleased with each and every one.

-Ella was surprised by something. Only the good lord knows what because I sure don't remember taking this picture. It's blurry, so I can only assume that it happened quickly.

-A tent was pitched for a few hours of play. Yeah, we set up the tent and then took it down a few hours later. The kids loved playing in it though. 

-The boy thing was grumpy. I think he was actually just mad at me for something. I don't remember what. I am still trying to get my groove back. His hair is out of control. He needs a trim worse than I need a day to relax.

-Soccer games have been played by the littles. Ella looks particularly little on the soccer field. She is a year older than a few of the girls in the picture. She might be small, but she is mighty mid-field. Would it be wrong to start telling people that she is really David Beckham's love child? You're right. She looks too much like J for anyone to fall for that. 

Keep on keeping on. Maybe I will have something positive to report in another day or two. :)

Return to Sender...

Returning to the blog world after tax season is awkward. At best. I am out of words and out of gas. I still haven't recovered, and it has been almost a week. I took a couple of days off which was nice. 

I have been sorting through some of the pictures from the SD card that was in my camera. There are some interesting things hanging out on that card. :) I haven't looked at what was on it in a long time. I took it out last night and finally looked at a few shots. 

The attitude just seeps off this child. 

I often wonder if I should indulge the performer in him more. He is an animated little thing and has the spirit of a stage hog. 

How are all of you? Have you fared well the past few weeks? 

Much love and many new posts to follow....

Unicorns, Rusty Origins, and a Bad Duck...

-I saw her with my own two eyes. Right in front of me was the urban fast food myth. -The Unpleasant Chick-Fil-A Employee- She had a voice made of gravel and smelled like Spring Break gone awry. Not only did she not say, "My pleasure" after I said, "Thank you," she didn't even hand me my change. She practically threw the three pennies at me. I didn't think grumpy CFA employees existed. It's like those people are shooting up happiness before work every day....and then there is the extremely unhappy woman who had to take my order for a chargrilled filet. 

-There was a time in my life when I spent hours dwelling on the past. I would ponder what I could have done differently - What I could have said differently - What would have lead me down a different path?

Not so much anymore. It is what it is. I have made many mistakes. I have caused other people and myself more pain than should be allowed. That's just the way life shakes out for most of us. The past is a beautiful thing though. Even if your past has a little rust around the edges, embrace it and be glad it brought you to now. I like a touch of rust around the edges. 

When J and I went to Nashville a couple of months ago, we stopped in Antique Archaeology. It was an interesting place with a just enough rust to make me love it. 

There wasn't a ton of inventory that I was dying to bring home, but it was one of those places that I could have stayed inside for several hours if it weren't so crowded.

-Have you ever been so embarrassed that you wished the earth would swallow you whole? I have - no - I am on a regular basis embarrassed beyond belief. The most recent moment was one that was particularly awkward. I was at a local establishment (which I will refuse to name because that will make this even more embarrassing) when I encountered a group of younger people that knew one of the people in my group. I got ma'ammed. This one kid stinking ma'ammed me right there on the patio. I pointed out that I am only about 15 years older than he, and that hardly qualifies for a ma'amming. He disagreed. I jokingly said I was going to blog about it. This is where things took a decidedly awkward turn. The fact that I have a blog ended up being the "most loser" thing he had ever heard. So, he ma'ammed me and then called me a loser for having a blog. He was a rude duckling. He did ask a question that I get asked a lot when someone finds out I have a blog. "What do you blog about?"

-So I asked myself. What do you blog about? I blog about absolutely everything and absolutely nothing. I blog at 3:00 AM when I cannot sleep. I schedule 100% of my posts because I don't have time to blog during normal hours or on a regular basis. What is the point of this blog? The point is to document things that happen - for me to look back on someday. The point is to dump all of the energy and words floating in my head, so I can rest without the electricity of my thoughts keeping me awake.

Also, where else am I supposed to share ridiculous pictures I found on the Internet?

Peace out.

Lava, Grand Slams, and Abortifacients...

-Ella called me while I was at work. She was hanging out with her grandparents. She left me the sweetest voice mail. Why does that precious child love me so much? It seriously made my day to hear her little voice calling to check on me and see how my day was going. For real, yo, she has the most precious phone voice ever. 

-Little man is all about tennis right now. I am not entirely sure why because he has never shown an interest in it until recently. He ran and ran and ran at the farm a few weeks ago playing tennis. He finally had to sit down and chill out because he was so tired and hot. Yeah, we play in the grass or on the driveway. We are grassy, old school folks.

-I do like tennis though. I took a few lessons when I was a kid. Not many. Enough to know that I would have enjoyed it had I spent more time practicing. Layton wants to go to the tennis courts every day and play. I keep telling him "tomorrow." Maybe he won't notice that tomorrow actually means April 16th...

-I let a stream of profanity escape my mouth the other morning. Sweet Shelia at work told me to get the soap and wash my mouth out with it. Do you think she would let me use Johnson's baby soap? Given what came out of my mouth, I think she was leaning more toward Lava brand. I was stressed; throw me a bone. 

-It snowed earlier this week. It didn't stick, but there was snow. I am over Winter. I am ready for Spring. The snow needs to stop. Stat. 

-Let's talk Hobby Lobby. What say you regarding the argument presented to the Supreme Court this week? Do you believe that Hobby Lobby should be exempt from the Affordable Care Act based on the religious beliefs of the owners? I have (personally) thought about a number of different positions regarding Hobby Lobby. 

I have come to the conclusion that the least dangerous result would be for the court to enforce the ACA on Hobby Lobby. I think that allowing Hobby Lobby out of Obamacare is a bit of precedence that I don't necessarily like for the future. Sure, the owners of this privately owned business have the right to be conservative Christians, but should I find myself desperate for a job and employed by them, they do not have the right to enforce their beliefs on me and my health care options. Right?

Also, I can totally see Donald Trump claiming that paying taxes is against the religious beliefs of his corporation. Um, this was meant to be humorous.

I only have a few beliefs that are absolutely concrete in my heart. One of those beliefs is that there must be a clear separation between religion and government  - "not to protect religion from government but to protect the government from religious zealots."

Where do you stand on Hobby Lobby? Even though I don't like the Affordable Care Act the way it is currently in place, I still can't go to bat for the Lobby. 

-Also, I really like strawberry ice cream but rarely buy it.

Skinny Wednesday...

Hello! I hope you are all having a marvelous day. I am hoping for a good day, myself. The last several days have been full of adrenaline and busy stuff. I like busy though. Time at work passes faster if I am super busy. Although, the longest hour of the day is the last one in the office. 8:00 - lunch feels like :30, and even the few hours after lunch pass pretty quick. That last hour though....will suck the life out of anyone. Am I right? 

I have been doing much better with my diet. I don't mean diet as in I am on a diet. I mean that my overall diet is healthier than ever. This has been a long time coming. I feel better when I eat good food. I have lost a few el bees as a result. I have quite a few more to lose before I reach my goal. I am getting borderline obsessed with what I eat. I'm not going to go full on Christina Ricci or anything. 

There have been a few days recently that were weather wonderful. I am ready for more outside time. There is nothing better than a day that is not too hot and not too cold. A day when I can walk around outside all day without freezing or sweating. I love nice weather...

Things I do not love? Broken bones. She was surprisingly calm while we were at the hospital. 

She was riding and jumping and having a great afternoon with all things horse. The horse stopped. Hadley did not and went end over end off the horse.

 The first thing she asked was, "When can I ride again?"

The first thing I asked was for narcotics. For me. Ok, I'm just kidding about that part. I will admit that I had a whiskey drink after getting her home and settled in bed that night. My nerves were fried by the time the whole thing was taken care of that night. Everything will be fine though. Boot, crutches, cast after the swelling goes down, etc. Bones heal. 

In the night I took her pain medicine to her. I said, "Don't do drugs, but here is a loratab." 

I filled out my application for a new reality show about super moms right after that. 

Take it easy friends. Feel great about yourselves. :)

Cheeze It, I Have Lost What Little I Had....

-It is official. I have lost the last bit of normalcy I had going for me. Check with me on April 17th to see if I have recovered any...I feel kind of like Ella looks in this picture. Boy thing was particularly high energy and full of himself that day.

-Friends. I think it is important to make really, really good friends. I happen to have some friends that I, well, this - cannot fathom how boring life would be without them. I realized that I had made the kind of life long bosom buddies that writers base movie characters on quite a while back. Sometimes midnight rolls around, and we will all still be sitting on the porch talking and laughing. These are the people I call and text when my day goes to hell. These are the people I force to buy tequila shots on my birthday. These are the people who will always lift my spirit. If you only take one thing away from this blog ever, take this piece of advice. Find a few people who love your guts even when you smell bad, and make yourself the fungus on their roots. 

-Should I be worried that J and I email each other in haiku? For some reason, this seems like it might possibly be outside the box marked normal. It's not something that we do all the time though, so we're still okay...right? 

-This little fellow stays up way too late at night. He has trouble waking up in the mornings as a result. When I wake him up, I sit down on the edge of his bed and rub his back. The other morning he moved from the bed to my lap and went back to sleep immediately. I didn't want to leave the house after that. Sitting with him curled up in my lap was the best thing that happened to me all week. It's been downhill ever since. 

-I tried to explain the solstices and equinoxes to the youngest two. That went about as well as the time I tried to explain the nuclear plant to them. For the record, young children cannot understand fission. Or how to eat without leaving crumbs all over the floor.

-Layton can say anything he wants, and somehow, it never makes me mad. I think it is because of the dangerous combination of curls and dimples. If you don't look directly at the dimples and curls, you will get mad when he calls your belly squishy and booty big. BUT. If you allow the dimples and curls into your field of vision, you will think it is adorable that he compared your pants to the sails of the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria. I even said thank you once when he told me that I smelled like wet goat.
Even with the sun in his face, he is glorious.

-I have so much more to spill, but I don't have time right now....

On What Planet...

Ella. Sweet Ella. She is my middle child and is full of wonder and joy. She is a curious person who asks lots of questions - some about things of which she needs no knowledge. Ella is without a doubt one of the most interesting souls I have ever been fortunate enough to know and love. 

I present to you...Ella's latest obsession...the lawn mower...

The good news is that anytime the farm needs a thorough mow, Ella will be more than happy to take out the weeds and grass.

But seriously. What 10 year old girl spends an hour and a half riding on the mower WITHOUT ACTUALLY CUTTING THE GRASS????? Child just cruised around on it like it was a four wheeler or RTV. 

You can thank me for making your children seem so normal later.

Down on Me...

Last Sunday was fabulous. The weather was nice enough that we could run around outside. We played tennis in the yard and went for a long walk through the fields. It was the best day I have had in a while. Of course, I still had plenty of work to do, but I was able to enjoy the sunshine too. 

Sunshine can only mean one thing. Ella wearing her sunglasses.

She really thinks she is too cool for school. 

On another note, I have a question. I ordered some items over three months ago from a direct seller. A couple of the items were Christmas presents for the girls, and the seller knew that at the time. I paid her. I still have not received my merchandise. I have emailed her and facebook messaged her (more than once), and she didn't even respond. I have talked to some other people who ordered from her at the same event. Some have received their items; some have not. I am trying really hard not to go to her facebook page and post on her wall that I am upset. This is unacceptable though. What would you do? 

Rejection and Acceptance...

-I am on a serious roll...of sarcasm and not filtering the words coming out of my mouth. My poor coworkers have heard some atrocious language lately. Combine that with my almost manic appearance, and it is a miracle that no one has tried to commit me.

-Truth. I listen to vulgar and profanity laced music while I am working. I have my ear buds in my ears, and it might look like I am jamming out to something fun. Right now, at this minute, I am listening to You Can Leave Your Hat On. Let's just hope I don't start singing out loud because I would be mortified if any of my coworkers began stripping. I made the mistake of singing out loud while rocking out to some Lily Allen one day. Let's just say that it is not okay to sing the eff word repeatedly in front of your coworkers.

-I came across this old picture of Layton and couldn't help but smile. He looks so brown and smooth. He is positively delicious. I am ready for him to get his Summer skin back. :)




-There is something magical about a good day. At the end of a good day, I feel like I could do anything. Absolutely anything. Other days I feel homicidal. Just being real.

-I had a good time here....

True, it's a little skeezy up in the alley, but a trip to Nashville isn't complete without it. :)

-This past weekend brought something new to our home. A date. The H-Dizzy had her first date to a formal dance. It was cute and adorable. Her friend that lives in Auburn came up and escorted her. I would post a picture, but I think Hadley might never forgive me. They rode in a limo. I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing. You would think that I would act a fool about something like that, but I kept it together. I didn't threaten to kill anyone.

-J - And the songbirds keep singing like they know the score
  And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before


-Over using the word epic is a hobby of mine. I am having an epic time getting all of my work finished. That tax return was epic. Her reaction to her balance due was epic. Don't bother taking the time to point out to me that I'm being melodramatic about it. I will epic-ly give you the finger.

-Put a fork in me. I be dunzo.

Like Never Before...

-There was iffy weather last night here. Naders. At least, it sounds like naders when local rednecks say tornadoes. I wasn't home for it though. The Hospice Chili Challenge is this weekend, and my friends Kim and Shannon needed to borrow my crock pot. I took the pot to them, and then the sirens started blaring about the time I was going to leave. I decided to stick out the rain and naders at Kim's house. I did not want to be walking down the road in that wind and rain. Ha! Ella texted me...

I was laughing so hard at the way she stated that the thunder and lightning freaks her out, man. She has been a good bit more scared of storms since 2011. I understand why she is nervous about storms. I do not understand why she and Layton were drafting their wills during all of this. Yes, you read that right. Ella and Layton each wrote a will during the storm in case the weather forced an exit from this world. 

FYI: Ella wants to be buried with her pillow, and I get to keep her special blanky. Layton is leaving me his dirty laundry which isn't any different than what he gives me nowadays. Now, a rational person would have explained to the littles that making their final preparations was not necessary. Instead, J chose to put on rubber boots and run through the house screaming about how the nader was going to get us all -  metaphorically injecting the littles with adrenaline, fear, and enough energy to power North Alabama. Ella and Layton loved every second of it. Meanwhile, Hadley was asleep on the sofa. I briefly thought about chasing J around the house when 11:30 hit and the littles were watching late night TV on my bed. 

-This week has been hard. I am not going to lie and tell you that I am weathering it well. I am tired. I am stressed. I am on the verge of screaming the Eff word at total strangers. Enjoy my public breakdown. 

-I recently changed my twitter avatar to this picture. 

I thought it was funny. Other people seem to think it is in poor taste. Come on, now. That is funny! Whatever, I'll top it off later. 

-Tonight is our tax season night out at the firm. I am looking forward to it. Well, I think I am actually just looking forward to a night when I don't have to work. Bwhahahahaha. You know how crazy we accountants are....we are wild, crazy people. Are you hyperventilating from laughter yet? I once went to a continuing ed class where they had a booth set up for CPAs to do stand up comedy. I pointed out to the organizer that accountants are void of humor. For crying out loud, we choose to do tax returns for a living and get excited about capital gains. Whatever, top it off. 

Cruel and Unusual...

This is the post in which you will lose any respect you ever had for me. 

Ella got prescription sunglasses at her most recent eye exam. She was so excited about them that she slept in them that night. 

And, I am so heartless that I turned on the light and took a picture of her asleep in her sunglasses.

And then I posted it on the Internets. Dang, it's cute though. I think it was money well spent. 

On the Go...

Life is busy. Correction: My life is busy. Sometimes I see women who appear to have loads of disposable time. I kind of envy their two hour lunch dates and trips to the mall on a random Thursday evening. I, on the other hand, eat lunch on the go a lot and don't take random trips to the mall. I order. If new underwear cannot magically appear on my front porch in a UPS box, then I ain't gettin' no new drawers. 

Yes, all of this has a point. A point that I am mentally obsessing about lately.

J and I took a mini-weekend trip to Nashville a few weeks back. It was the last weekend I had before things get so busy at work that I get cranky. Me, cranky? Never. (This is where you roll your eyes because I turn into an ϋber witch fairly early during sweeps.) While we were there, we happened upon a whole street of mobile vendors. - NOT JUST FOOD TRUCKS. Clothing stores, yarn stores, the whole kit and kaboodle. - Can some of these stores come hang out in front of my office? I could zip our front during lunch; try on some snazzy pants; and be finished with all my shopping needs. Bam. 

This is genius.

O, Fashion where art thou? 

Personally, I can foresee a time when many businesses give up traditional brick and mortar store fronts. How about you?

There's Snow Business...

I have to share a few more pictures from our rare snow last week. 

Ella (as usual) wanted 675 pictures taken of her running around in the snow. 

I have no idea what this hat/mitten combo is supposed to be, but I think it might be something similar to a moose. ???

Hadley didn't want her picture made. There is always around that. Bwhahahaha.

What snow is complete without tilting your head back to taste it? 

Oh, dimples, slays me every time.

Snow More...

This week was an exciting one for the Enabler and the Codependents. It snowed!

Luckily, I had stopped at the Elkmont Piggly Wiggly and picked up enough groceries for us to survive being snowed in for a day or two. If you live in the North, please stop laughing. Seriously, I can only recall a hand full of times in my whole life when there has been enough snow for a snowman here. It's a rare occurrence, and our transportation departments do not have the resources or equipment to keep the roads dry and safe. A few inches of snow equals three snow days in Bama. 

It was a very beautiful. Cold. But beautiful.

I love the way the snow looks on the branches of our tree out front. 

When the snow first started coming down, we all went outside and played in it for a bit. I tilted my head back and took this picture. Looking straight up at the snow coming down was odd. It photographed even more odd. Maybe it is because this was in the evening when the sun was starting to set. 

Snowballs were flung at the house. 

The tree out front was clumped up with white fun.

I got a chance to wear my kick a$$ snow boots that I haven't had out of the closet since January 2011. These puppies rock.

Yes, Layton wore pajamas and rain boots. Outside. Did I care? No.

Ella had the most fun in the snow out of all of us. She was out in it non-stop. She even demanded a ride on the sled. It was my dad's and is old and worn out. Someone has to pull the sled because it is so old that it doesn't work quite right. 

J was kind enough to drag her around the neighborhood. 

This is our backyard. 

Did I mention Ella had a blast in the snow? It gave her an excuse to wear her new sunglasses too. They have prescription lenses. She thinks she is dope.

The littles worked on a snowman and threw snowballs at J. 

The snow man turned out pretty good. I was right proud of Ella for finishing it by herself. Layton got tired of the cold and came inside. 

I have some more pictures that are fun. I will post those later as well.