Buying Porn Almost Seemed Like a Good Idea...

This is one of my inappropriate posts from the past. Makes me sweat even now.

**Originally published a year or so ago**


Some time ago...

We were on our way home from school. Hadley was sitting shot gun. The littles were in the backseat. We were rocking out to whatever song was on the radio. It was a lovely day.

And then Hadley asked, "What's a blow job, and why do you get in trouble for doing it?"

I violated 17 traffic laws as the Volv-Ro swerved across all kinds of solid lines, other lanes, and rapidly accelerated followed by rapid deceleration...all before getting back in the correct lane and resuming regular speed. It wasn't pretty. I started to sweat. Profusely. I brushed her off and said we'd talk about it later; that we couldn't talk about it with the littles in the car. She had asked because of an unfortunate situation with some classmates getting caught and subsequently punished.

I realized that I had a few choices.

1. Ignore it. Act like the question had never been asked.
2. Splain it to her.
3. Don't explain it to her and chance another kid at school telling her what it is.
4. Drink. Heavily. Wait until the stupor lifts to decide a course of action.
5. Have the hubs download some videos. Bow chicka wow wow.
6. Tell her that she's not old enough to know.

I went with option 2. I decided it would be best to explain it to her myself. Who knows what a classmate would have told her? She immediately asked why the playground was next to the sewer. Well, not in those words. But she was thoroughly grossed out by it. I haven't been the same since. In fact, I have begun to sweat just thinking about it. I sweat when I'm nervous or busy or hot or mad.

Parents of young children - This is a PSA - You are going to have to explain fellacio at some point. Learn from my mistakes and narrow avoidance of traffic accidents. Come up with a game plan for how to explain this now. You will thank me sooner than later.

What do you think? Should I put the duct tape back on my mouth?

ADDED: I don't know the full details of what happened with the classmates or even if it really happened. It was something H-Dizzy heard about and repeated. Just for clarification....it could be a middle school rumor....from months ago...because I was still in a state of shock and unable to post about it until now.

Still Old but New...

In addition to having favorite posts and photographs, I also have some favorite moments that inspired blog posts over the last few years. 

...like the moment I gave in and admitted that having a family is so hard...

...the times Hadley amazed me...

...all the times Layton mugged it up for the camera...

...all the times Ella made me laugh hysterically...

...did I mention Layton mugging for the camera?...

...Hadley's artwork all over the house and her body...

...the times I found beauty in the mud...

...the times I let the sun bathe us in joy...

This blog. This is my outlet. This is where I put love, anger, happiness, fear, and hope. There have been times when I had absolutely no clue what to write or how to write it. There have been times when I spent an hour typing only to delete the post because all I really wanted was to purge the words from my head. This blog. There may not be a huge number of followers...sponsors aren't beating down the door...nothing is going viral...but none of those things has ever been my goal. What I want is to live it big and invite you along for the ride.  

Old but New...

As I mentioned right after the calendar flipped to 2013, I am taking a quasi-blog-break. I'm still blogging new material here and there, but I am re-publishing some of my favorite posts from the past during the month of January. I would like to share some of my favorite photographs from the last few years of blogging. These aren't necessarily good photographs, and I didn't even bother putting high quality images. All I did was copy and paste, so they are pixelly...just so you know. These are a few of my favorites from the last few years...

And....

Thank you so very much for all of the kind comments yesterday. I am overwhelmed by the support and love that you all have shown. 

It's Time to Lose...

Hiya! Who's ready to lose weight, get healthy, and win a prize? I am! Becky and I are teaming up to host...



Every Monday from now until March, you'll be able to link up, share your story, and report your weight loss progress. Today is post #1, and it will be the hardest post for me.


Sooooooo, here we are. It's 2013, and I have got to make some changes. I am heavy for my height and frame. If you've been reading here for a while, you have probably noticed that there are very few pictures of me that ever publish on this blog. To be completely honest with you, I don't like having my picture made, and the reason for my camera evasion is because I have very little self esteem and a very not little rear end.

Now. I am going to share some things with you. This is me.

On the rare occasion that I do step in front of the lens, I carefully place the children in front of me to hide my lower body. I carry most of my weight in my butt and thigh area. You can tell from the picture above that Ella and Layton were shocked to be in a picture with me. I'm normally running from the camera! Ha!

Even though I try to avoid the camera, J sometimes sneaks a picture of me...from the WORST angle possible. Thank goodness Layton was behind me, or you might have mistaken my backside for Texas.

 

As of now, I am making an effort to be more aware of what I am eating. Out with the junk. In with the fresh veggies. I'm not going to lie. This is going to be difficult for me. I LOVE to eat. I LOVE good food. I LOVE good wine. The holiday season was chock-full of meals and snacks that tastes wonderful...and are also chock-full of calories and fat. Who would want to go back to eating celery after eggnog, dressing, cakes, real butter...oh, how I love to eat...

What are you waiting for? Link up and join in the weight loss journey. Having a support system will make this easier and more fun for all of us!

Another Glorious Post From the Past...

This is another post that is one of my favorites from the past. Mainly because I blogged about Vanilla Ice and my triple great Aunt Edith who looked like Yoda. 

**Orignally published a good while back**


It was a glorious Friday morning. For the first time that whole week, we were actually early getting out the door for school. I decided to throw my hat in the ring for Mom of the Year, and steered the Volv-Ro right into the Hardee's drive through. Hadley ordered hash browns. Layton ordered the same. Ella really wanted something with cinnamon, so I ordered her the cinnamon raisin biscuits. She had never had them before, but I felt like the icing might trick her into loving them. We pulled forward, and I paid.

"If you'll pull forward, we'll bring it out to you when it's ready. The cinnamon biscuits are cooking."

Don't you love it when that happens? I wasn't too concerned though; we still had plenty of time to get to school. We waited. And waited. And waited. Layton farted, and we had to roll all the windows down. We waited some more. I wasn't concerned though; we would still make it to school before first bell.

Finally, the food came out. I passed the biscuits and taters all around the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Ella took two bites of cinnamon, raisin biscuit and said...

"These aren't good. I like the icing though."

As she was handing the box to me, Layton busted out, "Anything less than the best is a felony." I replied, "If you got a problem, yo, I'll solve it." That's right. My six year old quotes Vanilla Ice at random. We all laughed for a good bit about my smack talking, rapping, hip hop dancing, curly headed, dimpled, gluten free little cherub called Layton.

I was driving and laughing and not paying much attention to the flow of traffic. It was only after I peed myself (only a little) from laughing at Layton's Vanilla Ice moment that I realized what had happened. I had been victimized by the Grampy Patrol. Wait, you don't know what the Grampy Patrol is? Passshhhawww. Of course you do. It's a secret circle of elderly drivers whose one mission is to slow down the young, wild cats like me. They go slow, leave blinkers on, change lanes without looking, park across two spaces and drive cars longer than the first house I live in. You know, the Grampy Patrol.


In front of my car and to the right of my car were two members of the elite, inner circle of the Grampy Patrol. Complete with bow ties, snap front hats, and Cadillacs. I can only assume they were leaving Cracker Barrel (that's where all the elite members eat breakfast) when the chance to  enforce the Grampy Patrol creed pulled out in a green Volvo. The inner circle members tend to work together like that. They box you in at 20 mph in a 55 mph zone...in their Cadillacs and Lincolns.

I assume my grandfather was a member of the Grampy Patrol. Outer circle though. He wore a mesh hat, coveralls, and drove a truck. You know the coveralls to which I refer. The one piece kind with 45 feet of snaps up the front. The outer circle members tend to eat breakfast at Hardee's or McDonald's (in groups) and drive trucks or sometimes Empalas. It's the middle circle Grampy Patrol members you really have to worry about. I once got behind one who left his left turn signal blinking for every bit of an hour and a half while going no more than 15 mph on the highway...in his Buick. Buicks are classic middle circle Grampy Patrol. They are the dangerous kind that will put it in drive instead of reverse. Come to think of it. My triple Great Aunt Edith once drove through the front of a jewelry store with a Drive/Reverse error...and I think she had a Buick. Maybe I am a legacy to the Grampy Patrol. Do you think I'll get a letter in the mail once I reach a certain age inviting me to the breakfast circle/strategy meeting? Where was I? Oh, that's right. We were trying to make it to school.

We did not make it to school on time. We missed first bell. And second bell. And had to check in. All because I wanted to buy some damn biscuits and was spotted by Gramps.

Excuse me for a while. I must look at Buicks on the Interwebs.

My World is Full of Dees...

Do you know what is great about living in the South? The accents. The dialect. There truly is something rich about the way things are pronounced here. Not everyone can appreciate the southern twang, and few can actually replicate it without having lived in the South. Don't you just love watching a movie full of fake southern accents? Bwhahahaha. Some are better than others. Steel Magnolias? Not near as annoying as Con Air. Driving Miss Daisy? Easier to swallow than True Blood. I attempted to watch an episode of that, but the fake accents drove me bananas.

I catch myself actively pronouncing words when I speak to clients or people on the telephone who are not here in the South. Come on, now. Can you imagine trying to navigate a customer support call when you get routed to India and you have a thick, southern accent? I speak slowly and with great intent every time I call Quickbooks support.

So I thought to myself, "Self, why don't you make a list of words that southern folks say and translate them and list some helpful tips for understanding the southern accent..."

-Monday. This is a word you might think would be the same anywhere. Heck no! If you are a southern lady who glistens but does not sweat, you say....Maaaaawndee...really drag out that aaahhhhh sound. If you are just an ordinary bammer, you say.....Mundee....rhymes with Crocodile Dundee. Got it?

-Tuesday. Again, there is no such thing as "day" to the rural bammer. It's...Toosdee...unless you are very rural...in which case there is an ever so slight and barely detectable ch at the beginning instead of a T.....Choosedee....very soft ch.

-Any other day of the week. Thursdee...Fryyyyydee....Saterdee...Sundee...Windsdee....none of the days of the week are pronounced as spelled. Ask Siri. When a southerner asks Siri, "Wut's on my calinder fur Windsdee?," she replies, "I'm sorry. I thought your language was English."

-Dog. This one is a personal favorite. It's...Dawg....and this one you'll need to work on for more than a moment. There is no such thing as a one syllable word in the South. Drag those vowels out. Words like dog must be stretched into every bit of 4 syllables.

-As you can probably tell, it's difficult for southern children to learn to spell. We pack our children up and send them to school, and bless them, they try to spell words phonetically. Just try explaining why chirren isn't the same as children to a southern first grade student. That reminds me. In the South, you can feel free to leave out letters when pronouncing words. Chirren is a good example of that.

-Does it end with an R? This is another classic example of leaving letters out/off of words. Names like Walter, Arthur, Jennifer...ain't no r at the end if you're a classy, southern broad. Suga, Waaaalta, Aaaatha, Jennifa. Drag those vowels out. You can do it. Rural bammers do pronounce the r. Maybe I should just go ahead and say it. Rural bammer is code for those who speak redneck-inese. Believe it or not there is a difference between the old school southern accent and the redneck accent. You know it's true.

-I before E except when an E is an I, and an I is an E. Ten...is pronounced the same as Tin...as in hot, tin roof. Hen....is pronounced Hin. Do you watch TV in your den? Not in the South. We watch TV in our din. In a nutshell, any three letter word with an e in the middle that also ends with an n....just pronounce that e as an i.

-Police. Poe-lease. There is a very distinct separation of the poe and the lease.

-Dudden. This is how we say doesn't. As in...It dudden matter to me.

-Idden. This is how we say isn't. As in...It idden mine.

-N M. This is by far one of my favorites. It's southern for and them. Did you sit with Mama n m? You might have to practice this one aloud several times to fully appreciate it. In fact you might actually have to hear a bammer say it. N M, people. N M.

-G. Don't bother pronouncing the G at the end of any word. Going = Go-in. Talking = Tawk-in. Driving = Drive-in. Fixing = Fix-in. Ooooo, wait, we have stumbled upon the best yet. Fix-in. This is the exact same as "about to." I'm fix-in to make a pie. I'm fix-in to go to town. Should you come visit the South, remember to use the word fix-in, and you'll fit right in.

-You all. This is by far the most important southern-ism of which everyone is aware. Y'all. Ya'll. Spelling dudden matter. Yawl....speak it, say it, live it, ya'll will love it.

Catch ya'll lata!

Old...

In the woods...old trees...stumps...

 

...nice for taking a rest...I wonder why it fell...good for bonfires...

I'm Getting Lipo!....Not Really...

The rules and regulations can be found on The Java Mama. 

...BUT...

In a nutshell, Monday begins the Biggest Loser Challenge for Bloggers! If you have a blog, hop on over to The Java Mama and link up. There will be a fabulous prize at the end of the contest. 

...So...

Join us! We're all hoping to lose weight and feel better about ourselves. I need to lose a solid 25-30 pounds, and I'm hoping that putting it all out there on the Internet for the world to see will help motivate me to shed the ton-nage (that's what I call it). If my dad were alive, he would yell, "Free Willy" at me. Ha! That's just the kind of relationship we had. :)

Closely...

As the new year begins, I am taking a closer look at the ole blog. What kind of content do I want to post? What pictures do I want to use? How often should I post? Etc.

Normally, I try to have a post scheduled for every day. Lots of these posts are free of humor and lack anecdotes. Should I keep doing them? Some posts are completely inappropriate and tacky (that's the word my mother would use). Should I continue to be an open book and fearlessly post about whatever crosses my mind?
I'm beginning to wonder if I would prefer to only post every few days and have longer posts that actually seem somewhat thought through.

 

Or maybe I would prefer to keep giving you random pictures with posts of nothingness. Posts like that  (and this) fill the schedule, but there isn't necessarily any quality to the posts. Maybe quality is the wrong word. There isn't anything memorable about most of my posts. They are filler posts. Filler. Fluff. The Botox of blog posts.

I would really love your input. Email or comment to let me know what you would prefer. Also, let me know if there is one post from the past that you really enjoyed. Your favorite post...just a synopsis...I can find any post with relative ease.

So....

In the meantime....I'm going to rest my brain as tax season begins. Instead of coming up with new posts every single day, I'm going to revisit some of the old ones. My favorite posts from my blog will be republished every few days. There will be new posts as well, but just not as many while I take time to figure out exactly what direction this blog should take.

And...

I'm counting on you guys to help me figure out which direction to take the blog.

:)

Keep on keeping on, friends!

A Day in the Woods...

I love walking in the woods with my family. I love it when they find a spot to rest for a minute. I love it when they smile for the camera. Days like this are hard to move past. I'd love for every day to be like this. Monday morning hurts after spending weekends bathing in each other's company.

New Year...New Blooms...

Good day, digital friends! Hope you all had an amazing time ringing in the new year!

 

I, myself, am probably still asleep. Let's make 2013 the best year yet!!

Arrivederci...2012...

Do you watch David Letterman? I don't watch it regularly, but I have watched it enough to know that the Top 10 List is the reason to watch every night. In Letterman style I am going to close out 2012 with....

The Top Ten Reasons to Read the Enabler and Her Codependents in 2013

10. You never know when an innocent post about a drive home will turn into a blog about porn.

9. The Enabler is not afraid to look for needles in haystacks. Or payphones.

8. The Enabler loves to break grammar rules and then gripe about other people breaking rules too. Klass act.

7. When you least expect it, the Enabler will do a give away. Or threaten to put unsuspecting individuals' pictures on the InterWebs.

6. The Codependents are hilarious and adorable. The Enabler is not biased in any way. 

5. The Enabler lies in Top Ten lists; she is biased. BUT. Who else will lie to you like that? 

4. The Enabler will admit to having chicken in her hair. And catastrophic deodorant failure.

3. The Enabler may or may not be running an experiment entitled The Sexperiment. You'll have to read in 2013 to see what a bizarre-o idea it was. And why it took 11 weeks. 

2. Because 2013 will be even more humiliating for the Enabler than 2012. The boundaries continue to fade away. 

And the Number 1 Reason to read The Enabler and Her Codependents in 2013....

1. The Enabler stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night and will save the states from the Fiscal Cliff. Ok, that one is a lie. The Enabler figured out how to get Gilligan off the island. That was a lie too. The Enabler will have exclusive reports on Kim Kardashian's baby. Also a lie. Just keep reading in 2013...



Happy New Year!!!

The End of a Year...

This is the last day of 2012. I took a few moments to think over the last 364 days. It was a good year. I don't normally make resolutions for the new year; it just isn't my style. BUT. If I were to make a resolution, it would be to make 2013 even better than 2012.

-Love on my babies even more.

-Love on J even more.

-Make more friends.

-Become closer to existing friends.

-Don't worry about dust bunnies.

-Get a haircut more often.

-Do a better job of time management.

-Just live it big. Every day.

Good Day...

A good day. A good smile. A good boy.

 

Anticipation...

Good day! Hope you are all doing well. I am doing my very best job at pretending that January isn't a few days away. I am in complete tax season denial mode. It's not on the verge of happening. No way. 60 hour work weeks are just not around the corner.

Ok, you caught me. I am fibbing. Tax season is upon me. I can sort of already tell. I will pull it together. I will comb my hair. I will wear nice pants that do not have holes in them. I can do this.

This little face will cheer me on.....

 

So, before I get super busy and forget to blog, is there anything I can blog about to please the masses 8 people who read this every day? I'm taking requests. :)

Grass...

For some reason, I snapped a picture of some grass. It was still rather green a few weeks back. We've had a mild Fall and Winter thus far. The kids even wore shorts one weekend in December.

Thus far.


Not quite this week.

 

It has been cooooollllldddd. I wonder if this grass is still green. How cold does it have to get to make the grass shrivel up? This is something I know nothing about. Maybe I'll google it later....green grass...

Speaking of green....

You can all be green with envy now....because I went to see Les Miserables with Shannon and her son, Blake. Oh my word. It was so good. Like, wow, this is as good as the book, good. Like, wow, this is better than the play, good. Has anyone else seen it and felt that way? 

Little Buns...

 

Run to Me...

Layton loves to run to me. Do your kids do that? He'll get on one side of the yard and tell me to stand on the other side. He'll run as fast as he can and crash into me for a big hug and kiss.

 

 

I'm sort of at a loss for words this week. The Christmas season used to be my favorite time of year, but now it's just utterly depressing and annoying. It will take me a few weeks to get over the Christmas induced psychosis. 

Things That Make Me Go, "Ahhhhh"...

This cozy, little man makes me go, "Ahhhh." He's good for hugs and kisses.

 

Typical Merry Christmas...

Merry Christmas!

This is how they say it...

 

...typical...